Thursday, January 10, 2013

The sad story of mister douchefaces visit at hooters

Once upon a time mister doucheface walked into hooters......He had an undeserved swagger in his step and creepy sparkle in his eye as he looked upon us unlucky few to be standing at the front door when his douchiness entered. His sunglasses were taken off like he was on the end of some crappy runway and his collar was popped, cuz as most creepers know a popped collar is essential when goin' creepin. He takes a few seconds to ogle us because we obviously are there solely to please him and want nothing more than him molesting us in his mind. Then he prepares to wow us with his wonderful use of imagery and just plain awesome talk.

There was a funny look on his face and I was slightly concerned he might be having a seizure and started to panic a little bit, but then realized it was his attempt at a sexy face. Hey im sorry the twitching eye and tounge peeking out had me worried. You can imagine our relief when we realized no seizure was forthcoming, just the imminent loss of our panties to his holiness.

He boldly announces something no one has had success saying without getting a swift evil eye from hell. "I will take the hottest waitress here, oh and with the biggest tits. Gotta have some tits with my wings and beer." This was delivered with the expected wink and giggle. As you can imagine we were thoroughly charmed. It's not everyday that someone with such wit graces us with his presence. I mean what can't you love about such a sweet and endearing request? Well...more of an order but im just the help so what do I know.

So, I draw the short I mean have the honor of having him in my section. And what does mister doucheface say other than, "did you hear what I said at the front door? I wanted the hottest waitress." I was thoroughly shamed that one such as he would not deem me fit to serve his food. I apologized profusely for disappointing his highness and immediately went and fixed myself so I would be up to his didn't believe that either? Crap not a good liar. I suppose I can tell how it truly ended now. After telling him in no uncertain terms that we are here to serve your food and only your food and couldn't give two fucks if you don't deem us pretty enough I proceeded to be a royal bitch throughout his whole meal. And I lived happily ever after :)

Really though. Bitches be trippin if they think that request will get them anywhere. Seriously what was the expected outcome of that? Want us to fall to the ground and beg for you to pick us? Cuz I can guarantee that will never happen, sorry to burst your douchey bubble :) havent seen him since...that's too bad cuz he gave us enough stuff to bitch about for a while!

Monday, January 7, 2013


I figured it was about time you a post on the regulars I have gotten in my lovely time here at Hooters. I wont write about everyone that comes into sir with me just some of my favorites or uh....creepiest!

First there is my old man, who most of the girls hate cuz his hugs last ten years and he has the kind of smile where you know some weird shit is going down in his head. But we have an understanding, or well I just told him if he didn't stop creeping I would not sure and talk to him anymore.what can I say, it's solid motivation to withhold my company from someone.he's not a crazy big tipper it's just nice to chat with him about his wife kids and what it was like when dinosaurs roamed the earth, he started that dinosaur business.I swear.

Then we have mister wanna be photographer. And I'm not gonna lie I hate his face. Soooooo much. He acts like an entitled little buttface and insists on "reforming" me. See he gets mad cuz I won't listen to him and sit with him and only him for hours on end.there is just something about someone giving me orders where I just let the bird fly and go from there. I get him his drink and food and that is where it stops, honestly why he sits with me is beyond me. Probably is hoping ill change my mind about letting him take pictures of me. I was hoping the fuck no was a clear enough answer, maybe not though.

Preacher man is one of my favorites. You wouldn't think a preacher would come into hooters would ya?! You would be wrong. He comes in once a week to see me and is so much fun to talk with. I've been trying to get him to come all decked out in his church gear but no such luck yet.

Then we have my book club ladies that come in every Thursday night or Wednesday night depending on if I work them. Yes I am quite amazing that people change their schedules around for me...rough life right? Anywho, they came in a few months ago and were the picture of awkwardness. Constantly looking around like they expected to be accosted with tits to the face. I think they were actually a bit disappointed with the lack of action honestly. We have this thing though where after they eat that we say everytime not sure exactly how it started just that we do. They tell me how awful the food was and I tell them it didn't look awful when they were stuffing their faces. Then they threaten to call to manager over and I will offer to go grab him. Seriously you should see other customers faces, they honestly think we're fighting and I think most want to defend the ladies! How rude! My favorite week they came in was 50 shades of grey week lol they thought it was your typical possessive man romance book....ha ha ha most definitely was a bit more than that.

Alright that seems like enough for now, ta ta :)

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Hooters tips so you dont suck at life

Alright I have a few minutes before I have to leave for work so I figured I would just do a quick tips post! Yes you are welcome.

When working at Hooters yes you have the chance to make more money than working at other restaurants but that depends entirely on how you act. If you act like mayor of slutville then you will be tipped accordingly, which will be next to nothing.Yes guys love it when girls flirt like crazy and hey who doesnt love an eyefull of tits? Well I dont but thats beside the point. If you act like you would drop your panties right there fuck yeah he will play aling and flirt back but you will get no tip cuz you have earned no respect. Trust me I  see this everyday. Alright mini rant over.

The key to making money here is having fun with your guests. Not sounding cocky but im a pretty outgoing person and not shy about much and love to make people laugh. That's my thing really. We have girls that are really sweet, girls that are smart, funny, and like I said the slut mobiles. I love having fun with my guests but I also do not take any shit from people. I will not allow anyone to talk down to me or talk inappropriately to me. Yes you may wear tight shirts but no one has the right to make you feel like crap.

Yes there are guys that will talk rude to you but when you call them on it 9 times out of 10 they will stop. Thats one lesson I really had to learn cuz I was  so worried about tips at first that I would never reprimand someone I would just let it go, but they definitely do not respect you more if you let them walk all over you.

Some tricks I have learned to break the ice and in turn earn more tips I will share with you.
-do not just walk and say my name is so and so what can I get for you? They will just see you as another server and you want to make them remember and relate to you as a person and not just the bitch bringing your food. One of my favorites isafter we have chatted for a while and im about to grab their drinks I will say 'hey my name is () if you need anything just hop on your chair and yell help! And ill be right over' or 'my name is () if you need anything just throw something at me and ill come right over'
-tease people. Honestly, it works. Who doesn't like having fun with their server? I will share a story in another post about a new girl trying to defend me when she thought some people were being mean when in truth it was just some regulars messing with me. But guys love when you give them shit, I was shocked to see how much my tips went up when I started giving shit to my tables. And I have a huge potty mouth and was worried tables would get mad but seriously people eat that shit up.
Of course you do have to read your table and see if they would like that, I would never talk to a couple the way I would talk to a few guys. You have to know your audience.

Okay I have to squeeze into my uniform ta ta for now!

yes I know I suck

Alright I officially suck as a blogging human being. I really never expected many people to look at this and now I feel like a super buttface having posted nothing in a million and ten years. No worries I will get back on this blogging wagon. Trust me I have plenty of stories from creepy old men to bitchy girls to being unladylike. Sorry again!